ALIVE BUT NOT QUITE
I just survived what was the most horrendous fortnight. I finally finished my individual report for design project. I was so stressed doing it cos I kept telling myself I needed and wanted to do well for this module. Especially when I am considering staying back for my final semester. A lot of things are going to matter.

Design report is nothing like lab reports when you can take your seniors' reports as reference. And the worst thing is the knowledge that many people will do a very good job of it and spoil the market. I probably wouldn't complain about it if I had the ability to spoil the market, but it's such an open-ended thing. But at least, I have been warned and I know how to help my friends when it is time for them to do their design next year.

Another thing is that as many of you know, I am a very stubborn person when it comes to some things. I would rather fail a module then go ask the lecturer and expose my ill knowledge of the module in the process. In a similar fashion, I am very adamant about asking people I don't know about academic stuff. I do not make friends for the sake of asking them stuff. I would rather fail my module. My females groupmates were quite puzzled by that but they dun understand la.

It's not a male ego problem. It's just that some people make "friends" for the potential to make use of them in the future. I detest that and will not follow in their footsteps. I dun really know how to explain it but sometimes when the same favour is asked by a different person, it has a different effect. Say if you are a girl and u ask a guy for help, you may most prob get it. But if I were to ask the same thing, I would probably get it too BUT the guy rendering the help may not be as willing. you get what i mean? which is why, once again, I have to say that people such as elinear can always get such favours. Worse, such favours are volunteered to her.

Elinear keep saying that I am very sweet to her but I dun really agree. Anyway, things that are too sweet can give you a tooth decay. Considering how long and how much I know her, and comparing to how people who know her for only a week. I am actually doing a lot less. What I am saying is that people who barely know her are almost willing to brave fire for her sake.

I am not jealous. Or maybe I am. But in a drastic comparison. I am very disappointed to know that someone who I have consistently helped for the past two years of my uni life actually refused to help me when I was down, out and dying. While I hardly ever volunteered to help her, by my conscience, I have agreed to most of her requests all the time and have been giving her good advice. And now this?! she left me to rot.... Never mind... it has happened to me before, it is happening to me now and such things will continue to happen to me for the rest of my life.

Fortunately, I have my groupmates who volunteered to help me even when they themselves are dying. Even though in the end, they couldn't render any help (cos we were all dying), I was quite touched at the offer of help.

To cap it off, the day I handed in my individual unit report, I went to my FYP lab and broke a piece of equipment costing $700. My supervisor was quite angry at me, cos he had to go report it to the professor and probably did endure a lecture from him. I always thought I was a careful person but... I probably was lacking sleep. Because of the breakage, I couldn't finish the experiment in time, and things had to be delayed for 2 more weeks. I couldn't blame him for beng angry. Moreover, he didn't seem to be in a good mood that day.

I couldn't help being somewhat unhappy with myself. It doesn't affect my confidence much though cos I know that the things that are happening now are not going to affect my ability to perform in my career much.

However, the stress is still present. In previous years, it was the fear of failing. Now it is the motivation to perform at my best. And self-imposed pressure coming from an unconventional source. So I cannot help it if I am dissatisfied with my own work.

Though I scored badly for mid-term I had fully prepared for, I scored very well for my inside your PC again, and also pretty well for another mid-term. All is not lost and things are still there for me to achieve.

Paiseh for sounding a little angry. I'm just trying to finish this blog without spending too much time.
- posted by FaceOff^ @ 1:02 PM 2 comments