I'm back (for today at least)
I received an email from a friend who just informed me about her close brush with breast cancer. There were some mixed feelings but I'm very relieved that she is ok. She's my age by the way.

After getting over my grandmother's death and dealing with what-seemed-like-rejection, I'm quite surprised to find myself in very good condition. I used to wonder how I will take it when my grandmother finally leaves me. As she is arguably the dearest person in my life, even dearer than my parents, I wonder what I will do without her. Maybe I'm not as fillial as I thought. Which is very true because I find that I am hesitant to do certain things for her that she used to do for me without complaint.

I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. In fact, I'm relieved that she has been relieved of her suffering. In a more selfish tone, I've also been relieved of the guilt of not loving her as much as she loved me. And her departure has also taken away the constant worry I have for her.

Three years ago, I insisted on going to HongKong with my friends. She was reluctant to let me go as she was worried for me, but I insisted. Probably the worry she has for me caused her to suffer another stroke which left her bedridden and mute for the past 3 years. I cannot forgive myself as I feel that I'm responsible for causing her so much suffering. I kept asking myself what if I didn't go for the trip.

There's so much I want to do for her yet it's too late. She is also one of the reasons why I am rushing my studies. I wanted her to fulfill her wish of seeing me graduate. I wanted her to see me settle down in my career and get married, but it's all too late. There was a period during my JC time which I seriously thought about this. At that time, I was questioning whether I would go for match-making and marry anyone just to make her happy. I even calculated the number of years it would take to save enough money to buy a car (just to show her I'm successful). But all these is too late. Even that I'm now on course to graduate before 2007. I'm at least 5 years late.
- posted by FaceOff^ @ 11:11 PM