CONTEMPLATION
Recently I realized that even the most unlikely of people actually think about marriage in their future.

It may not be an earnest desire to find The Special One. It may not be the constant hoping to have someone special to share your life with. But it appears to me that most people do factor marriage into their thoughts as something that would happen someday, somehow.

It occured to me during dinner one day with my friends, some of which I am not very close to yet. There was this guy whom I know to be oblivious to relationships and stuff like that, and more caught up with his academic stuff and hobbies. And during the group conversation, he actually mumbled "Next time, my wife will...". He said it as a matter of fact and the sentence was almost devoid of emotion.

There is another girl who also during a group conversation, mentioned something that goes "Next time, my husband and kids will...". She said it as if it came naturally to her, even though from my impression of her, I never knew she is one who seriously thought about marriage before. She said it with a hint of exilaration that I could have missed had I not been paying attention. The hint of exhilaration tells a lot. It tells us that though she isn't in a relationship and has never been in one, she's looking forward to the day when Prince Charming is coming for her.

(But, what do I know about girls?)

Anyway, I do not have issues like this though. Marriage has always been within my contemplation. That, however, is a problem with me. I take it so seriously that it affects almost every aspect of life. At its height, it threatens to overshadow all the other aspects of my life. I idealize love, believe it transcends life and once believed (and probably still do) that I could give up everything and anything for it.

(But, what do I know about love?)

Marriage has always been the ultimate ultimate goal. At times, I intentionally bury it and tell myself to take pleasure in my pursuit of other less important goals. At other times, it buries itself. But it is always there, always present. And no matter how hard I try to bury it, it seems to give me all sorts of problems when it surfaces (like making me realise that everything else is unimportant)

I don't know whether I should continue ignoring what I really want OR accept it as an inseparable part of me. If it is the former, I can "pick up the pieces" and take pleasure in the little things in life, which I have successfully done over the past year. But there's no strong basis for my happiness and I feel that it could be wrecked anytime. If it is the latter, I would risk disappointment.

Maybe I should stop living a girl's dream and start thinking about career the way a guy ought to.

I really have digressed too much.

To end this, I congratulate my dear friends Char and Excel on their upcoming marriages!
- posted by FaceOff^ @ 3:53 PM