REDEEMED HOPE
Actually I am pretty upset at failing my driving test the second time. Pin-pointing the reasons will not be done today. But just want to say that 4 years ago (2002) when I took up driving, I experienced problems with my back during the 7th lesson. From then onwards, I wondered whether I should give up. I even booked the test date liao. But after the 11th lesson and a week of consideration, I felt that I couldn't carry on anymore.

It took a great deal for me to admit to myself that this is something that is denied to me forever. I still remembered the morning that I finally decided not to avoid the problem anymore and call up my instructor to tell him that I am giving up. I was so reluctant.

Since then, even though a lot of friends knew about this matter, somehow when our casual conversations touch on this topic, I always had to remind them about it time and again. It's not that I blame anyone for forgetting but I feel kinda awkward. Can't seem to express this feeling very well in words but maybe it is like my friend who gets quizzed about her heritage all the time? (You know who you are) It's like I don't want to be different? Or I don't want to be explaining my inability all the time?

It's not enough to tell me "never mind it's ok, just get a girlfriend who can drive".

Then in 2005, they introduced automatic transmission vehicles for driving tests. News about that have been brewing since 2003, but I wasn't too keen on jumping on the bandwagon. Maybe I couldn't face the challenge and avoided it. Friends and parents also urged me to pick up driving again. It's like something you have convinced yourself to give up suddenly becomes possible again. The pressure to succeed at this second chance frightens me somewhat. I just put off all thoughts of driving until a colleague at my internship company inspired me to seriously think about it again.

Which I did follow up with his suggestion and signed up for the automatic course early this year. This time round, I actually felt my back aching since the 4th lesson. (My back has gotten worse these few years due to army and school). Though it wasn't as bad as driving a manual car, it is going to be a challenge nevertheless.

I have since taken > 25 lessons and taken 2 tests liao. I took it harder when I failed the most recent one so much so that I am still upset now. Yet to pin-point the real reasons why, but I think maybe because I had higher hopes for this second test? Or it opened up the possibility (yet again) that I might have to give it all up?

I think I will pass eventually la. I just need everything to go right. In a world where (I believe that) persistence does not pay, I hope I am doing the right thing.
- posted by FaceOff^ @ 11:26 PM